Abzmitz's Blog

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Loneliness…

I was sitting alone doing nothing and had a strange feeling of talking to someone. Talking to someone to ward off my loneliness in one way. But I could not think of anyone whom I could call and talk to. I started wondering, where did all my friends go? Or did I distance myself too much from everyone? I keep fighting this battle of loneliness now and then. I keep telling myself, one day I wont be lonely anymore. Sometimes I think I feel lonely because I am not in a relationship, or I don’t socialize so much. but sometimes I feel I am better off alone and single.
When I was a small kid, I used to play all alone talking to myself and making stories. I didn’t have the pleasure of toys to play but I still managed to find a shoe or a slipper and make it a car and used to play with it all day making sounds and telling stories. I was malnourished kid and I also had metal straps on my legs as it was weak and bent.It is called something in medical term which was because of deficiency. And because of that I was not in a position to run or play with anyone. But I never felt lonely those days, I was happy playing by myself. But today it is a different story.
I remember once in school I used to sit alone while other kids used to play. I was asked by my teacher why I was sitting alone, and I said I had no friends. In the afternoon class she called me to the front and asked the students, “Who wants to be friends with Abishek?”. I still remember 3 guys who stood up as to offer their friendship.
I was lonely again when I was in class 9th and 10th. And, now I am kind of lonely again. I believe in happy and sad cycles. These are like business cycles, which have their peaks and falls too. Its very true in my case atleast. So, what I think now is that I am coming out of the sad phase and will soon enter the happy phase and enjoy life till the phase lasts. I am just waiting for it.. Atleast I am optimistic… 🙂

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January 29, 2010 Posted by | Serious Thinking.. Blah..Blah! | Leave a comment

Deadly death!

I have encountered death twice. In normal state of my mind I can say I am not afraid of dying, but when death looks into your face and tell you, you’re going to die, that is when you get very scared. The first time I got this feeling was when I met with an accident, a head on collision with a car and my bike. I had closed my eyes for sometime and didn’t realize I was in the middle of the road and the car light flashed into my eyes. I had hardly 2 seconds before I realized I was going to die. The first thing that came into my mind was my family crying over my death and I thought to myself that I cannot die today. I woke up after a while, I was lying flat on the car bonnet and the crowd was screaming. I was smiling when I woke up.
Me and some friends had gone to Edmuri. It’s a picnic spot beside a river. We were all playing in the river stream, the stream was bit strong and at the center the force was even stronger. Except me none of my friends knew swimming. One of my friend was at the center of the stream and he looked comfortable playing there. Suddenly he slipped and the stream took him along. I went after him but the stream was so strong that it took me also into it. I was under water for about 5 seconds in which I had to decide to go after my friend risking my life or save myself. I decided to save myself and with all my energy I dragged myself to safety. I saw my friend being taken away and he was screaming for help. That moment I felt guilty,humiliated, weak and helpless. But, my friend did survive. It was a miracle though.
Even the strongest man bows down to death. It is very difficult for a normal man to stare at death and tell it to fight. I think if a man loves something more than himself, only then he will be able to do it. Hmmm….. I don’t think I can stare at death today, but maybe after certain time, when I have a family, I would stare at death to protect them against all odds.

January 10, 2010 Posted by | Serious Thinking.. Blah..Blah! | Leave a comment

Ecstacy.. My first trip..

May 12th 2007:
Place: Palolem Beach, Goa

I was looking at the stars and listening to the song “Pussy pussy marijuana”. It didnt make any sense to me but I was in my own world, thinking.. What if…
Earth was a speck in this universe and we are one of its minute creatures, what if there was a bigger world and bigger living beings or even earth being a living being and we were just residing on it like some parasite. Or probably earth was a parasite or a worm in the universe and we were parasites of this worm. Strange thinking, but it made some sense to me in a different way. Everyone wants to make an impression in the minds of people in this world before they depart. But why? There are millions who dream the same and want to do the same, and struggle all their lives trying to do something just for that name which he/she will not even be present to be satisfied of.
I was with group of hippies actually, and I realized how happy they were doing nothing, living by the day. Before i met them I always used to think of future and worry about it like making an impression and stuff like that.I learnt a lot from them, to be happy, content and live by the day. Even if they do not have a penny they will say with so much confidence, “Don’t worry, something will come up”.
8:30 PM, I had popped the pill like some normal medicine. I was normal for quite some time sitting on the beach. Then I felt that my pant was wet, then I realized I was sitting too close to the waves. I was a gymnast when I was like 10 years old. So I was trying to show off my skills to my friends but ended up spraining my shoulder which still hurts. The energy level is very high when you have these kind of drugs. We guys were on the beach from 10 till morning 4 walking the whole beach which was about 3km stretch. I think we had walked more that 10KM that night apart from dancing and other crazy stunts I was pulling.
The whole night I was chewing a gum and I was chewing it so hard that for next two days my jaws were paining. I was talking non stop, screaming on top of my voice and I also remember someone telling to me shut up. It was one crazy night and I loved it for all the fun and experience.

January 4, 2010 Posted by | Cannibis Sativa... | Leave a comment

Secret to long life…

My normal heart beat is around 56-60, but the normal is 72. Some people might say it is bad but scientifically athletes have lesser number of heart beats in normal conditions and while they are working out it increases substantially.
Your life is essentially dependent on your organs, and two main organs which keep you in good health is your heart and brain. Brain can be manipulated easily as it does not require much of physical effort. But your heart needs to be healthy to support and supply blood to all the organs at all times. So exercising it to keep in good form is essential for it to be healthy. High blood pressure and low blood pressure is maintained by your heart and it maintains it by pumping blood at sufficient pressures. If my heart is able to generate the same amount of pressure pumping just 60 times a minute than the normal person it is obviously better. The possibility of a heart attack is also negligible as the pressure at which my heart can pump is 20% more than the normal.
Now let me tell you how to reduce your heart beat. Firstly you need to do physical exercise like jogging, swimming, cycling, walking or playing games like football which involves quite a lot of physical activities. And all these should be a routine for whole of your life. You will see the result normally in about 3 to 6 months. You will need to involve in at least half hour workout everyday.
It not only helps your heart but in total your body health. It will make you look younger, fitter, more energetic, more resistance towards normal diseases and some intangibles like self-confidence and less stress. In addition don’t do this: smoking, alcohol and other drugs. Alcohol to certain extent is good but not always.

January 3, 2010 Posted by | Serious Thinking.. Blah..Blah! | Leave a comment

Slow Poison..


I hardly speak about my problems to anyone. In fact I believe I have two people in me, one person is Abishek and the other Mithun. Abishek is a nice down to earth kind of guy whose thinking is always pure, but Mithun is a freak and runs the entire bad math and gives me a kind of unique character. In total Abishek Mithun is a very silent guy and who does not care about anything.

I was not silent when I was born though. I was supposedly one of the naughtiest and most talkative kid it seems. Well till class 7 I was pretty much that way, well I even had a girlfriend back then. Those were the days…

For class 8 I was put in a boarding school, and it was hell for me. Believe me when I say it was hell. First thing they did to me was cut my hair; I had this cool veg hair cut which was very stylish back then. Well that was the beginning of my reformation. Those three years were a mess. Puberty played a freaking role in my whole transformation. I was so humiliated in school that the scar will never disappear. I was very arrogant kind of kid back then with a group of my own making fun of others and I had that superiority complex. One fine day, I don’t know what the hell happened all my friends stopped talking to me. I didn’t give a damn, but the worst was just coming. All the kids in school started teasing me and calling names. At times I would get so angry, but I could not do anything. I was one man standing against a batch of 100. For a year this went on. I was silenced; I had stopped talking to almost everyone. This whole incidence gave me series of characteristic, like patience, emotional control, analysing ability and mostly forgiving ability. It brought down my pride and arrogance to certain extent. Till that day I had never asked for forgiveness from anyone but I did ask and things changed.

I learnt a lot; even today I have all those characters intact. Nothing changed in later part of my life. Life teaches everyone in one way or the other, its just the time when you learn is important. In reality today I am kind of cold person, I keep my interaction to the minimum. I believe talking too much causes problems, and it does. I don’t get into fights, I don’t take sides and I make my own rules and follow them.

I never told about my depression to anyone. When people tell me theirs I feel how weak everyone is. I had thought of committing suicide a lot of times but I never tried it. This was one part of the story where I built a strong base to face the world problems I guess.

Let me tell you about the depth of my depression. If you guys have heard of stress ulcers and even might have had them, even I had them for a year and it was not a small one in your mouth. I used to get severe ulcers as big as a 25ps coins and there were at least 4 of them at any point. You know when you’re deeply hurt emotionally it’s always good to express it to someone, but I never did, so the result was overly stressed kid.

I never tell the complete story to anyone, it is because I don remember them. Its kind of character I developed wherein my bad memories stay buried. Experiences make a man not age. But people learn only from the bad ones..

January 2, 2010 Posted by | Serious Thinking.. Blah..Blah! | Leave a comment